A Spiteful Attitude

Today I read a post by Tiff @ Project 365 that inspired me to start thinking of reasons why I have let myself "go"- in a sense.

I have always struggled with thoughts on wanting to lose weight. I can remember these from when I was a little girl. I remember countless nights in high school where I literally could not sleep because all I could think about was how fat I thought I was.

Out of love, my mother and grandmother have always tried to "encourage" me to lose weight. I know this was out of love because they themselves knew what it was to struggle with this. My mom got Thyroid disease when I was young, and never seemed to be able to get the weight off. Finally in 2007, she had the lap band surgery, and today she is 80 pounds less than when she went in.

I have also had friends who have tried to "encourage" me to lose weight. One friend in particular was similar in size to me, but because of what I see as emotional abuse and pressure from her own mother, finally lost probably close to 50 pounds. After this, our relationship changed. She even wrote a blog entry about how she had had a dream about me and that she "didn't even recognize me because I had lost so much weight and I looked so good."

Another person to mention in this story is my sister in law. At the same exact height as me, she weighs around 70 pounds less than I do. Weight, for some reason, is something that has come up in our conversations often. If any of you have talked to someone who has really NEVER struggled with their weight or knows nothing about it first hand, you may know how frustrating it is to talk with that person about this subject. They always act like "Oh, just do it! It's so easy"

All of these people were, in a sense, trying to help me with my struggle. But they didn't. In fact, I would say looking back on the conversations I've had with them, much them are just painful memories that made me slip into even more of a depression over something I felt like I couldn't handle.

Other times that I have attempted to start a weight loss program have all failed. I know now that in my head I almost wanted to "spite" these people for even thinking I needed to lose weight...so I went in the opposite direction. I made a conscious decision to overeat, almost as if to say "HA! there! I KNOW what's best for me, not you!" And because of this, I always fell off my weight loss bandwagon, ending up overeating, and feeling even crappier than before I started.

I'm not sure if this kind of thinking even makes sense to anyone else. I just wanted them to realize that no matter how many "encouraging" words they may tell me, it all just equated in my mind to "YOU'RE FAT, get off your lazy butt and do something about it!" Then, when I over ate, it was like me saying back "NO, i can do what I want! (insert tongue hear)"

I now realize this thinking is well...absolutely ridiculous. The only person I was really harming in the end was myself. But I also realize now that the decision to lose weight and change my life couldn't have come from anyone else but myself. I am pretty sure that if the entire world would have told me I was fat it wouldn't have motivated me to change. I don't know why that lightbulb clicked inside myself, but i am sure glad it did.