The Line of Shame

I was a bad girl today. I got myself into a very sticky situation where I had a two and four year old in the back seat of my car (I'm a nanny) and snacks for both of them-but nothing for me. We were running around and doing our thing but I just got to a point where I was SO hungry. Now, if you are a mom (or a nanny for that matter) you know my pain- you can't just "drop" into the grocery store and grab a quick, healthy snack. No, the grocery store is like a whole big journey in and of itself. And I just didn't have the time- let alone the patience to put up with it and make a smart choice about my consumption of food. Call it an excuse if you will, but I decided on the dreaded drive through (que horror music now).

I could have made a reasonably better choice than a kids meal (cheeseburger and fries). I could have. And of course I'm kicking my butt for it now. But I'm just being honest here- who ACTUALLY goes to a drive thru (us "healthy eaters" know this kind of feels like "getting away with something bad") and orders a freakin' salad!?!? I mean, maybe if it wasn't for the fact that all their salads have the same amount of calories as a burger itself, I would consider it. But once you get in that line of shame, and the fry smell wafts through your open window, there is almost no chance of denying it. Is this why they say an alcoholic shouldn't step into a bar?

I'm going to blame the fact that we have no healthy drive thru option in this city. No fancy chic-a-fil (because I see your delicious looking grilled chicken breast sandwiches!), no drive through sandwich shop (do these exist??). Burger King. Mcdonalds. Taco Bell. Take your pick. Bleh.

I'm determined to burn off at least some of those french fries today with an evening run.

Crossroads

Well there is just not much to say these days about my healthy living journey. It just seems like I have really GOOD days and really BAD days just as often. I've pretty much been hovering at the same weight for around two months, which means I've been about 5 pounds away from losing a total of 40lbs and 10 pounds away from being a "healthy" BMI.

I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I no longer feel "overweight" and sometimes even consider if maybe this is just the weight that my body should be. I've heard it said that the lowest weight in your adult life is probably the lowest you will ever be...well I'm less than that! I think I weigh the same as I did when I was about 17 at the moment.

But in all reality- is a 12/14 pants size, and 10lbs higher than a healthy BMI ideal? You can see my confusion at this point: am I settling or being unrealistic?

One thing I know is that I'm proud of myself for the way I've changed my thinking. No longer do I slip into days, weeks, months, or even years of carelessly eating without honestly evaluating what it is that I'm consuming. I'm constantly thinking of ways to incorporate good for me foods into my diet. But not only that, I also tend to try to "balance" my days as well- like making sure to eat less carbs in the evening if I had a particularly carb heavy start to my day.

I no longer fear exercise, and in fact, embrace the chance to ENJOY being active whenever possible. I've definitely taking a step back from being a "regular"- which frustrates me-but at the same time, I really do think that breaking through that fear to start was the biggest hurtle to conquer.

So- I'm asking- what do you think? I know this is a dangerous question- and I'm prepared for a brutal answer. I just want to hear it straight up (ps, don't leave an anonymous comment, those I WON'T take into consideration).

I'm at a "crossroads"of sorts- continue to live "healthfully" and potentially choose to settle at this weight- or continue to attempt to "kick my butt" into more action- which could have excellent, effective results, or it could just frustrate me more!

Half Marathon Follow Up

Hello my lovely followers!

Well it's been two days since my tragic race day on Saturday. I say tragic because it didn't end as well as I, or my cousin, had hoped. In fact, it didn't really "end" at all! It was cut quite short.

We started out pretty strong, although Jenny (cousin) did say that her knee had already started bothering her just walking to the start line (probably not a good sign)!! We started out jogging, and she quickly decided that this was not a good idea. I jogged very slowly along with her for the first three miles, and then slowed down because she was hurting more. We walked the next three, and then made the decision to take the medical van to the finish line once we hit mile 6. She felt really bad for cutting my race short, but honestly, I felt like I had signed up with her and I was going to stick with her! Not to mention that we only had one cell phone between the two of us.

So all in all, it was a bit disappointing- but I'm glad she decided to stop when she did, and didn't injure her knee even more.

However, I don't regret doing it. I was reminded of how much I love the energy and atmosphere of races. I am totally hooked. And so...

I signed up for another one! This time just a 5k, but it's soon- as in 4th of July! I'm going to show my American Pride by busting my booty on Sunday. I am so excited!

What was I thinking?!

I'm doing a half marathon this morning! Oh what in the world was I thinking signing up for this three months ago?!? Of course I won't be walking the whole thing. I'm doing the race with my cousin, whose knee has been bothering her, so we plan to take it easy and walk most of it. Only problem is a time "cut off" of 4 hours- that means we HAVE to keep a 17 min mike pace to finish. Hopefully we can do that- I would hate to not finish the race!! One things for sure--I am eating GUILT FREE tonight!! Pictures to come!!


Update: we stopped at mile 6. My cousin is in to much pain, and I want to stay with her. :(

The Workout From Hell

Hey You!

I figured since it's been a couple days I owed you all an update. I've been massively slacking on my weekly weigh in posts, but don't worry, it's really nothing too exciting. Just as of Monday was I back down to my lowest weight so far (-35.5). So from here

forward is only going to get better, right? Right! You know why I'm so confident of this? Well, for one thing, I think my body has finally "regulated" itself out hormone wise. If you didn't know, I went off of hormonal BC about 2 months ago. My body whacked out at first and I really think that's why I gained about 5lbs back so quickly. Also, I am so determined to see that first goal of 40lbs lost! I really think I can bust it out and at least get there sometime this summer!

I have been working out a bit more regularly the last couple of weeks, thanks to my new gym membership. I decided to try out some classes this week and see what I liked. On Monday I went to "Total Body Conditioning"- and I thought- hey! This will be fun! And a great workout! Well, one of those thoughts was right...and let me tell you, it wasn't the fun part. This class was a little bit of pure torture I think. I tried a step class back in December and really disliked it- I just couldn't keep up. Well this was step--except onto a freakin yoga ball! Ok, not the "whole" ball, but it was one of those half ball things. It looked like this:

And we had to do "step" and coordinated movements on this thing! Let me tell you something.....

I am NOT coordinated. I can not dance "properly" for the life of me- let alone keep up with a class of super fit middle age women who seem to read the instructors mind! GAH!

Needless to say, I will not be attempting this one again....

Eating wise, things have been pretty good. I just started a new job (I'm a nanny) and I swear this family is like the healthiest eaters on the planet, and I am NOTexaggerating. Their mom buys only organic products, but not only that, she literally knows tons of ways of getting the best nutritional value out of the food you are eating (soaking beans, adding herbs, cooking slowly, etc). I have learned amazing stuff so far from her!

She has also welcomed me to eat anything in their house. Score! I am having fun trying new and healthy recipes and snacks she comes up with.

Well, I am going to "sign off" for now, but before I go I thought I'd leave you with an update pic of me since I haven't had one in a while!

I wore this dress three years ago for my rehearsal dinner for my wedding. It hasn't fit me for a while, and now it's almost too big! Gotta love shopping in your own closet.

Extreme Life Makeover.

I just thought today about how these last couple of years have brought so many changes in my life. Ever since I graduated high school, my life has literally done 180 turns around every spring summer.

In Spring 2006 I graduated from HS, took off to Austria for a two month bible college program, and in August I went away to a university.

In Spring 2007, I prepared to marry Kellen- and on 7/7/07 we took the plunge...and moved back down to the city my family was in.

In Spring 2008, Kellen and I packed up all our belongings, went on a month long excursion in Europe, and moved up North when we got back to be closer to his job and family.

In Spring 2009, we bought our first home.

In Spring 2010... I am finally feeling the full effects of my "get healthy" journey- I weigh less now than I did at my wedding and when I graduated HS. I just got a new job....and you never know what else life might bring in the next couple of months

Yes, it's been a crazy five years. Truly it has. And through it all it seems that every year my life takes on an extreme makeover, in some sense or another.

But that's not it. This last year I have really watched two different things change before my eyes.

1. my body.

Of course, since november, losing 35lbs has really changed the way I look and the way I feel. It's a great feeling. The problem is that I was kind of ashamed of what I looked like before so I tried to avoid the cameras. I sometimes look at the pictures I do have of before and look at the differences. It helps to remind me that I have accomplished a lot in the last six months. You can see a lot of these changes in my "before and after" section.

2. my house

Kellen and I moved into our newly purchased home in May 2009- and we had big dreams for it. Problem is, our wallets were not as full as we had hoped (as most homeowners come to realize quickly). However, looking back over the last year it has been fun to see the slow changes that have come about! Here are some updates we've recently done that I'd like to share:

Awkward space by the stairs I was unsure what to do with:

Now:

The guest bathroom:And with a coat of paint:Hideous guest room, compliments of the previous owners:

After some BIG TLC:

Well, that's it for now!

Wish you were here

Dear blog my dearest,

There are oh so many things I wish to share with you and my faithful followers, but I'm so, so tired. After three weeks of ten hour days at work, a flu over the weekend, attacking the ever shedding animal that lurks in my home several times a week with a curious weapon called the "furminator", attempting to fit in a new fitness class here and there, and keeping my house clean enough to at least walk safely, I have neglected you. I hope this distance will fade away quickly as I have so much to share with you...

Until we meet again,

Nicole

Healthy? PSHHH!

One thing I've really started to notice since attempting a "healthy" lifestyle is that "health" food and weight loss don't always coincide.

Example: Yesterday I was perusing my local health food supermarket and came across a great deal: pirate puffs (a sister of pirates booty)- an entire bag for just $1.69!! WOOHOO!

Now here's the problem people: are pirate puffs a healthy option to Cheetos? Well of course. Are they made from organic, natural ingredients? Yes. Do they have significantly less calories than many other processed snack foods available? You betcha.

But here's where my little brain made one mistake....

"oh, they are so healthy! I will just eat and enjoy and not worry about those pesky nutritional facts on the back! How bad could it possibly be? I'm only going to eat a little bit, right?"

Five Minutes Later...

"Well...I'm really hungry....so how about like...half the bag? It's not that much! It's mostly air anyway in this bag!"

One Hour Later...

"Well now that I'm halfway through....I might as well just finish them off. After all, I'm still hungry. And they are HEALTHY for heavens sake. And so delicious. Yes! "

15 Minutes After That...

"Oh. Uh Oh. I feel kinda sick. Couldn't be from those naturally organic and healthy ingredients. No way. It's a health food, gosh DARN IT."

*checks nutritional facts*

[Insert cursing myself here]

"welp. my day is blown."

And therefore I am reminded that with ALL food- "healthy" food options included- the key to weight loss is....

(drum roll please)

PORTION CONTROL.

Wait...what?

Yes....that's right, a 1970's weight watchers leaflet could have told me that!

So I hate to break your bubble, all you weight loss wannabe's (myself included!) but eating a pound of strawberries or bottomless bowl of raw almonds is just not gunna cut it.

Sad, isn't it?

Addiction

I am just an ordinary girl with struggles and fears in this weight game. I am so humbled when people tell me that I have been a little bit of inspiration in their life or motivation to keep on track. I really have never felt like that to anyone before, and it really brings me joy to know that I can help someone, somewhere, who struggles just like I do.

It has come to my attention of the past couple of months that I am truly an addict to food. Before November, I lived with my life with a "I want it, I eat it" attitude- and ended up facing the scale at 45lbs overweight for a girl of 5'6." As I've embarked upon this journey I've started to learn that I'm not alone. I'm not the alone one that would secretly eat sweets and junk and hides them from others. I'm not the only one that thought about lunch while eating dinner, or ate like I would never consume anything again.

But here's another thing I've discovered: it's not just food addicts that I'm bonding with. I'm starting to realize that in everyone lives these kinds of insecurities and downfalls- be it food, alcohol, or whatever addiction lives in their lives. I have felt a strong connection to these people and feel that I've stepped onto a deeper level into my life by connecting with theirs in this weird, strange way of relating.

Addiction can control our lives- if we let it. But there is a chance every single day to say no to that thought that tells us we MUST give in. That thought that we just can't do this....because the fact is...we CAN. We can be stronger than those demons in our head. We can focus on our strength and our power.

I don't want addiction to rule my life. I don't want food to come in between myself and my happiness.

I want to believe I did the best I could do for me, today. Only today. And then I can start again tomorrow.