Stepping Forward

Hey Everyone!

Thanks for all your encouraging comments on my post yesterday. One blogger pointed out that I stated "it's less about the number on the scale" in my about me section and then wrote about my frustrations with the #...haha! Kind of hypocritical I realize. I guess my biggest frustration is the fact that I thought I would be smaller so close to my goal weight. And that is what scares me the most- the fact that honestly when I started this journey I thought that at my goal weight I might FEEL super skinny, be in a single digit pant size, etc, etc- but that hasn't happened yet.

But I think I have resolved my frustrations by just focusing on moving forward. No more mind games about the number on the scale, the shape of my "chunky" spots- the way I feel in short shorts, the size of my pants (all thoughts from a shopping trip this weekend). Instead, I'm just going to start focusing on taking baby steps forward. It's funny, because this is what I was doing just a couple of months ago....but somehow I forgot this technique!

As for my baby step yesterday...it included joining a gym! I am excited to say that last night I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 10 on the stationery bike, and 8 minutes on the row machine. Not a huge workout, but 30 minutes in a good amount for me.

Also, in even better news, starting on June 11th I am going to have the best work schedule ever- 9am-2pm. How sweet is that? Just enough time to hit the gym and make it home in time to cook a deliciously healthy dinner for the hubs.

Again, thanks for the support everyone. I don't know where I'd be without my blogger friends!

Weigh In Week 28: Mind Games

Well let's get down to it. This week I was up 1 pound from when I weighed in two weeks ago. I skipped last week because I was frustrated and angry- I had gained 3lbs in one week. I couldn't understand how or why I would gain so much in such a short amount of time- but then I started researching going off birth control and the effects this plays on your body.

So, realistically, I lost two pounds this week, right? I should be proud but to be honest...I'm frustrated. I really just want to get to my first goal of 40lbs (I am 5.5 away right now) and it really feels like I've been hovering here for quite some time.

In all honesty though, healthy living has been a so so lately. I haven't worked out in forever. But I'm hoping to change that- I'm getting a gym membership tonight! Woohoo! Let's hope this will be something I can stick too and not get bored of quickly!

I am so looking forward to my body "adjusting" to my normal hormone levels. This whole getting off hormonal BC is not an easy feat. I did a lot of research and a lot of women compare it to pregnancy- emotional, crampy, sore, and HUNGRY. It's so strange. Food has tasted even better to me lately- you know that "ah that hits the spot" kinda feeling? Yeah, that happens with everything I eat.

Needless to say, I am struggling. But I will get back on track and break through these last 5.5lbs.

Another part of me almost wonders if I'm sabotaging myself? I'm 5.5lbs away from my first "goal weight" but I still feel overweight. I still feel like I'm far from being a healthy size. And so it sometimes just feels like I am giving up and settling here. It's like part of me wants to continue and drop that extra weight, but part of me is scared to get there and come to the realization that I'm not done...

Has anyone had a similar experience? You were unhappy once you got to your "goal" weight? Or maybe you found you felt your best before you ever even got there?

Alive but not really kickin'

Yes I'm alive!

For some reason this blogging thing is really getting hard lately! This past week has been quite weird.

So I told you all a couple of weeks ago that I am going off birth control (not for baby purposes, for health purposes). I have done a lot of research about the potential damage of bc and what it could be doing to my body, and I decided- its just not worth it.

You know how you gain weight when you first go on bc? Well guess what people?!?! Isn't it lovely that birth control gives you the little parting gift of extra weight when you go off of it as well? Oh, not only that- but I am crying and literally EVERYTHING. I kind of freaked out at first because it seemed like I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms. But then I did some research and talked with some people who have gone through similar things. There are major side effects to going off birth control and that in itself scares me and makes me thankful that I've made this decision.

Needless to say, I was a bit upset with my weight on Monday morning for weigh in day. So upset in fact, I decided to take a "pass" day on weighing in on my blog and see how my weight will be this next monday. I've been weighing in everyday and it's steadily going back down, so that's good!

Since Monday things with eating have been fairly good. Although I haven't tracked in quite sometime, I've been eating my normal meals which means I know that my calories are in control.

Exercise, however, is just one major flop. Here's the thing: I am TIRED of running/walking. I've been basically doing only that for exercise for 6 months now and I'm just so bored. I know I need to mix it up. I'm checking out some local gyms and trying to find an affordable option to get me moving again.

Welcome, Blissful Sunshine.

Ever get that feeling on a warm, sunny spring day of pure bliss about your life?

Well today, it happened to me. And it was a much appreciated feeling after the stress of the last couple of weeks with my crazy pup, losing my job, health issues, financial stresses, and other frustrating factors.

But today, I just felt blissful :)

I started my new job today and I am already in love. With a two year old named Philip and a four year old named Liam that is. Cutest little guys I have seen in a while. My favorite parts of the day was when Liam exclaimed "Hot Dog!" when I told him it was my husbands birthday and told me I needed to get him a "very special gift." And then of course when little Philip told the dog on the beach we saw"Don't eat me, doggie!" (funny coming from a guy who can barely talk yet!). I just love kids! They make me laugh! It was a fun day just playing at the beach in the morning.

Today happens to be my number one love's birthday (the hubby). He's turning 23! It makes me feel old. Yes I know some of you are cringing and thinking "how can she say 23 is old?!?" well...ok, it's not really. But when you've been with someone since you were 16 and 17....it just feels like time is flying by. I've got a blackberry cobbler in the oven baking and as I'm waiting for him to get home. Tonight we are meeting friends to celebrate at a local Thai place and I fully intend to partake in some Chicken Pad Thai....yum!

The weather is beautiful, my job has started wonderfully, and I have finally saved up the money to buy the hubs his dream gift (for the past year or so): a beer making kit! The little stinker has been watching youtube videos on how to home brew for the last couple of months like an excited little puppy. Since I didn't know exactly what kit he wanted, I just got a 12 pack and wrapped the beer bottles with enough cash to cover it. Clever, huh? :)

There will be lots of BBQ up here in the Pacific NW this weekend- hope you all have a wonderfully active, healthy, and delicious weekend!

Wanna Buy a Dog? No, Seriously.

I'm pretty much at my wits end with this dog. I mean, sure, she is cute, and yes, I DO want a friendly, nice dog that my someday my children can play with in the backyard. But today....I'm ready to give her up.

On Sunday I meticulously planted all my "may" vegetables in perfect little lines in my garden. I put up those little paint sticks to label them. It looked so cute and I couldn't wait until they started to sprout. I've literally been checking everyday. Well today when I went out, guess what I discovered? My dog has ruined my garden. Completely. She dug in certain parts and pulled all the sticks out and chewed on them. I put up a fence to keep her out but somehow she still got through!

I know that I got her for a reason. If it weren't for her NEEDING exercise I'm not sure if I ever would have started this journey. The way we found her was pretty much a sign from God that it was meant to be.

I feel so confused and frustrated at this point. My husband is to the point where he can't even have her inside the house because she just howls/barks at us all night. She's destroyed the entire backyard and more!

I feel like a whiny baby right now. But I just don't know what to do. Not only would it be sad emotionally to give her up....honestly...my biggest frustration is the amount of money we've spent on her this last year! I am trying to crack that up to "tuition for the school of life (DR Fans!)" but I just can't seem to feel like I am thinking about giving away a small investment!

Not really sure what the point of this post is other than to just get out my frustrations for finding my garden ruined :(. I really wanted to have home grown veggies this year....

Gaining Wisdom

Today as I tore through half a packet of ritz crackers while sitting on a blanket at the beach, I got to thinking. Why do allow myself to do these things still? Am I truly a recovered food addict or will my feast or famine ways still always reside in my brain- slowly crawling to the surface when I am presented with a situation where no one is looking?

My husband actually laughed at me the other day when I jokingly said "calories that no one sees go in don't count." He thought I was joking. Ok, well maybe I was. But let's be honest, how many times has that thought come into our food addicts thoughts? It's like this- the fact is, if the tree falls in the forest but no is there to hear it- it still makes noise! That half pack of ritz and couple scoops of ice cream out of the container may have not been witnessed by judging eyes, but you can be sure that they will be visible on your midriff in a week or two.

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the point? Does an addict truly ever recover? I wrote a post on Monday stating that I was over the mountain of struggle, and I still feel that's true. I know that there is just no way I could ever go back to the days of eating with reckless abandonment, unaware that I was surely eating enough calories in a day for a small family.

Steps toward recovery always include knowledge and awareness. A drug addict or alcoholic become aware of how their absence and anger is affecting their family or friends. And just like that, when we become aware of our food addiction we realize that its not just affecting us there in that moment...its controlling every aspect of our lives.

And so that's what I really think is the key here on this journey: education and awareness. How easy is it for us to slip up by ordering what we think is the healthiness menu option, later to go home and discover that the grilled chicken salad contained our entire daily calorie allowance. So I encourage you- what are you doing today to educate yourself? Are you aware of what those small decisions are leading to? Do you continue to sit in neutral and continue to make choices by the same book day after day? I can assure you - you may be going forward for the time being- but you will eventually get bored.

That's really what I love about this journey, as well as the blogging community in general. We have given each other the ability to learn and grow just through reading each others thoughts and discoveries.

Psalm 3:13 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for [it] is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.

How will you gain wisdom today?

Insecurities of a "Big" Girl

I'm currently reading The Amazing Adventures of DietGirl by Shauna Reid. Shauna is a weight loss blogger who lost a total of about 175lbs and wrote a book about this "adventure." If you haven't read this book, I would HIGHLY suggest you pick it up- it is SO hilarious.

There is one point at which Shauna describes that when she was a kid she never wanted to jump into the pool, to fearful to create a bigger splash than anyone else. The funny thing is, she was actually quite a normal sized kid- and let's face it- really no one would have probably had that thought.

But as I was reading that, I had an odd sense of relating to Shauna- I too had that pool jumping fear. I started thinking about all the other times I felt "insecure" about myself or thought that others must be thinking I was the fat girl- when really maybe those thoughts never crossed their minds. Some of mine included:

-Getting out of a pool/lake that you have to pull yourself out of with no ladder. Anyone ever experience this? You literally have to pull your body up and fling yourself out onto the dock/side of pool. In my mind I always looked like a large beached whale ungracefully emerging onto the side. This also goes for trying to get into boats when swimming at the ocean or a lake.

-How about the time I ate my little cousin's "It's a Girl" chocolate bar? You know those stupid hershey bar covers they make with the birthing announcement on it? I got mine and tore into that baby (no pun intended) right away. When my uncle found out I had already devoured the chocolate bar, he yelled at me. Well...it's chocolate...what did you expect me to do with it?

-The fact that my favorite part of going to the roller skating rink was the snack bar. I remember one time where my aunt (she used to take us) asked me why I always just sat and ate and rarely skated. Yeah, I felt pretty low that day.

-Hating when people tried to pick me up. It was like I thought that if they picked me up they might just realize how heavy I really was. Same goes for making pyramids with friends at school- I always insisted on being at the bottom with the boys.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure there are so many more big girl insecurities in my life that I can't remember.

*The point of this post is not to make anyone feel bad about there size, but just to say that we all had these funny insecure thoughts inside our heads. I felt a sense of comfort in relating to Shauna's insecurity in knowing that I'm not the only one who ever thought that way.